I’m okay with getting old and I am okay with not being alone. I think it’s a fine thing to find a person you want to make a life with. it’s not necessarily out of weakness or fear that we embark on this sort of journey with another.
I think that sometimes I disagree with people – even the people even those I love. I don’t think its effortless – because nothing in life is effortless. our tiny brains fuck stuff up – it is the nature of things. humans misunderstand and communicate poorly. that is the nature of language and the beauty is in finding that person who is willing to step back and rethink what they just did or what just came out of my mouth because every time you learn to communicate better it brings you one step closer to that absolutely intuitive way of interacting with a person you really know, appreciate, and love.
so I ask the question, what are you afraid of?
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I have written of it before but there are albums I find that I can FEEL when I listen to them. I want to listen to them over and over again. There are two lately that have had this affect on me and they make me think about the curiosities of life and death and love and all the things that make us human.
They make me think about the people who want to deny all of it – avoid the human parts of life maybe because it is hard or because you can’t always know what will happen and yeah – sometimes it hurts. . . . They make me think about the people who embrace every bit of it and go out into the world as true to themselves as the day they were born. And they remind me that life is just as full of laughter and wonder as it is tears and pain.
I will admit to being that person who wants to be ok with all of it. I want to embrace every moment and be okay with it because what else can I do? It’s happening and I need to breathe deep and be thankful that I am here experiencing it. I think a lot about the why. . . what the hell are we doing? We eat and drink and sleep and reproduce. All the stuff that is bigger than that is imagined by these tiny little brains of ours. I am so small. This music reminds me of that.
There are a lot of dreams I’ve let go – lots of disappointment and failure that I shoo away from my bedside each morning. I wake up each day in a life I never imagined for myself, in a place I never planned. I look back on it all and I try to understand what happened because I never saw this coming. I spent 9 years dreaming up a life that is no more. 5 years of it were spent planning and building a home I never really got to live in. I planted rose bushes that I will never see flower, trees that will grow tall and make shade I will never enjoy on a hot, summer afternoon.
I am not saying I am the only person this has happened to. I am not asking for pity. I am just trying to live again. It is harder than I ever thought it would be to let go of all that happened and find a new path.
I am trying to find my way – some direction – that will lead me away from all those painful memories and dreams that I left behind. At first, this was about things. I wanted to surround myself with beautiful things because I had lived for so long with nearly nothing but a dream and it seemed to me that using furniture, art, pottery, books, curtains, 400ct egyptian cotton sheets and beautiful fluffy towels would help define this new life. I am not sure that I succeeded in defining anything but it has given me a space to which I can retreat, a place where I feel safe enough to lie on my couch and mourn for everything I walked away from.
It has taken a great deal of casting about to realize that I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I am generally capable of getting out of bed each morning and going to work. I cook great food, write, laugh with my son. . . but I lack any plan for where I want to be in 10 years. I’ve always had a plan for where I would be in ten years and I knew that even if it changed, I still needed to have one. I am not sure what to do now that I find myself unable to invent one.
I’ve tried. I have planned everything from going back to school or finding a job in another town to moving to Italy so that I can live on a vineyard and make wine. When one of those plans falls through (as they all have because I don’t really want any of those things,) I find myself simply getting drunk enough that I can pass out and not dream.
I am not at a complete loss.
Even without a plan, I have recently come to realize a few, rather important, things.
- I need to be okay with all of this. I need to trust myself and know that it is my path, that I learn from it, that it might happen again and that I should be thankful for all of it because it is what drives and shapes me. It is impossible to imagine who I would be without all of this.
- Maybe I don’t need a plan. Maybe I don’t need to be in such a hurry to run away from myself. I think it might be time to stop and look at who I am rather than continue pretending to be someone I am not. I have done a lot of self reflection in the last 5 years but I am talking about dedicating time and energy to becoming the person I really want to be.
- I might need some help working through all of this. I have always been ridiculously, fiercely, stubbornly independent. I am starting to realize that it pushes people away and maybe it is time to start looking to others for help. I have been debating this one for a year (ridiculous!) and a lovely man I know has helped me realize what I need to do. I am not sure he knows he has done this but he’s been caring and patient as he’s explained to me what I do and how he feels about it. I am so thankful.
- I must write about all of it. I have always written about my life. I will sit down upset and distracted and sometimes it takes hours but writing focuses and relaxes me.
Some people exercise or paint – I write.
It started out as something that was just for me and I was terrified of people discovering my journals, my deepest thoughts. Revealing all those things made we weak, vulnerable. I hid my writing away for years – decades, actually. Then I decided to make it public.
Being open and honest about who I am and what I feel is one of the hardest things I have ever done but also one of the best. I am not even sure who reads this stuff but I am not going to hide anymore. The writing is for me. It is how I process and it is how I remember. I share it simply because I need to stop being afraid of people knowing who I am.
So I guess it boils down to this. Know what I want from life and ask for it. Stop being afraid. Find a good therapist. Be open and honest. Smile. Love back.
cheers to an awesome opportunity.
cheers to me imagining that i am standing in that space and
we are getting ready to open the doors to our first night.
cheers to something so fucking amazing that we can hardly believe it might actually happen.
thank you for this – it is pretty cool and it matters to me more than I ever thought it would.
let’s do it.
I have been eating food for nearly 30 years. It all started with my mom and dad – they both cooked everyday. We had a big garden from which I collected tomatoes, squash, beans, lettuce, cucumbers, zucchini, herbs. . . . I can remember going out to the garden to fetch a tomato, rinsing it, slicing it up and eating it while it was still warm from the sun. This was an after school snack.
I want more people to eat wonderful local food. I want my little boy to grow up into a world where farmers are your neighbors and you know the chickens your eggs come from.
I try to create this world one conversation or meal at a time. I think it is possible and so I go out into the world each day knowing that I have things to learn and things to teach.
i remember when i started thinking that maybe i was missing pieces of the puzzle and so it was better to make no decision than it was to make the wrong decision. i was 20. i remember being joyful. i remember loving my life and all the people in it. i remember losing that feeling and going to a very dark place where all of that was gone. it took me nearly a decade to come back and when i decided to start trusting and loving again and that didn’t go so well.
it’s been nearly 10 months since i decided i was not going to waste anymore time in that broken place. sometimes it still stings when i think about it.
i didn’t let go because i thought the bullshit was temporary. i thought he might suddenly want me in his life again. i thought i would have it in me to give that to him. i kept a little piece of it alive.
then one day i realized that i was really happy without all of the crap. i’d been telling myself i was better off but somehow it took a long time to move on. and it felt good to let go of ‘almost was’ and ‘might have been’. . .
i’m still thinking about it. our conversation last week. . .
it upset me.
what did i mean? you want me to define this without any offer of details regarding what you meant. that’s fine, i’ll tell the whole world, right now. at least, anyone who is paying attention.
i was absolutely truthful when i said that i think you’re wonderful and amazing and i am thankful to have you in my life. i am happy and it is because of you. i think about you when you are not near me. i want to see you and talk to you and laugh with you. i want to know about your life and tell you all about mine. i want to share your dreams. i feel alive when i am with you. it is simple. it is peaceful. it feels right.
it’s the least complicated thing i have ever known.
is that love?
i’m not willing to believe that love is this thing we imagine and never find. i have had young idealistic love. i have known the kind of love i thought would last forever. i have been so in love that i become blind to everything else in my life that is good and sweet. i have sacrificed pieces of me to the idea of love as though it would make it last longer or mean more. i have loved cheating, lying assholes and guys who would rather be stoned than with me. i have vowed to never love again. i have ended several pleasant relationships in the last year because they started to smell of whispers and promises and that thing i could not face being broken by. . . .
i can go through my whole life looking for love to end badly and thinking that i have never and will never find a love that comes with a ‘happily ever after’ in my crackerjack box or i can accept this beautiful thing that i have right now and just be happy when i am with you.
this is the first time i have had a lovely relationship paired with a respect that is present and obvious in every word and action. you tell me that you respect me and think i am smart but what matters is that all of your actions are infused with respect and so i know it without you saying it.
maybe i have learned from all the broken, failed loves and found something a little closer to that completely wordless ideal. regardless, i am terrified by not knowing what you feel because maybe i care a whole lot more than you do.
i like you so much that i want to look you in the eye, kiss you on the cheek, and smile as i walk away. cry a little but let you go before it takes hold of my life. stop it before it settles and becomes something that matters to me. i am terrified of it. i am afraid of losing myself in this. i am afraid of getting hurt.
