crackerjack
i’m still thinking about it. our conversation last week. . .
it upset me.
what did i mean? you want me to define this without any offer of details regarding what you meant. that’s fine, i’ll tell the whole world, right now. at least, anyone who is paying attention.
i was absolutely truthful when i said that i think you’re wonderful and amazing and i am thankful to have you in my life. i am happy and it is because of you. i think about you when you are not near me. i want to see you and talk to you and laugh with you. i want to know about your life and tell you all about mine. i want to share your dreams. i feel alive when i am with you. it is simple. it is peaceful. it feels right.
it’s the least complicated thing i have ever known.
is that love?
i’m not willing to believe that love is this thing we imagine and never find. i have had young idealistic love. i have known the kind of love i thought would last forever. i have been so in love that i become blind to everything else in my life that is good and sweet. i have sacrificed pieces of me to the idea of love as though it would make it last longer or mean more. i have loved cheating, lying assholes and guys who would rather be stoned than with me. i have vowed to never love again. i have ended several pleasant relationships in the last year because they started to smell of whispers and promises and that thing i could not face being broken by. . . .
i can go through my whole life looking for love to end badly and thinking that i have never and will never find a love that comes with a ‘happily ever after’ in my crackerjack box or i can accept this beautiful thing that i have right now and just be happy when i am with you.
this is the first time i have had a lovely relationship paired with a respect that is present and obvious in every word and action. you tell me that you respect me and think i am smart but what matters is that all of your actions are infused with respect and so i know it without you saying it.
maybe i have learned from all the broken, failed loves and found something a little closer to that completely wordless ideal. regardless, i am terrified by not knowing what you feel because maybe i care a whole lot more than you do.
