can we stop having this conversation?

Why do people want to talk about the stuff in my life that no one should talk about?

The best is when they tell me how much they love him or how disappointed they were that things ‘didn’t work out.’ I can’t name all the people who have done this. So many friends who are disappointed that a lying, cheating asshole ‘didn’t work out.’

How about when I am having dinner with friends and someone comes up to my table and starts talking about him. Are they under the impression that digging up painful memories and dragging him out of my dreams and into my waking hours is a good thing? A productive thing? There was one night when I was out drinking and someone approaches me and starts blabbering about how ‘you know – we all thought the two of you would be together forever.’

Did ya’ now.
(fuck you – please die)

Great!
(please die, pretty please)

Thanks for sharing.
(but not really. did I mention the dying thing?)

Clearly everyone is very disappointed. You all loved him. Wanna know something? Right down to the last minute of him being in this town, he has acted like a selfish idiot. I am still angry with him. I don’t forgive his string of fuck-ups. I might get over the anger but I will never trust him. So please don’t wish for a reconciliation.

I am not offended by you wanting to talk about all of this. I don’t think there is any sort of intentional effort to make me feel bad, or that you are acting out of maliciousness. It’s just something that I have no way to understand – especially if you watched me go through everything I did when I was with him.

The truth is that I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM. I loved him in the most irrational way – completely absorbed in this infatuation with the most vibrant, charismatic person I have ever loved. What he did hurt me more than I ever imagined possible. So please, can we stop talking about him because it still makes me cry.
(holy shit! she actually has FEELINGS)

Anyway, this becomes a topic of conversation because he is leaving town and folks speculate about all sorts of things. Some think I am excited to see him go while others think that I am upset about his leaving. There are a few who know that I’m angry with the stupidity of the situation because of all the cities on the planet, he picks one that I love and that I visit and so there is this sense of irony that no matter what I do, he will not go away and stop being connected to my life. This is foolish. I know. Cities are big places and he has picked a big one. . .