me

i am going to ramble about where I am at with life.

i read a lot. i collect information from disparate sources and relate it in ways that make sense to me (but maybe not other people.) i like to think, analyze, synthesize, and often find that i get so lost in my own thoughts that i don’t notice the passage of time. i will forget to eat. people will talk to me and it is as though they are far away; i have to use a lot of energy to focus on them. i spent several years completely lost in it. detached from the world. then one day i realized that i can think about these things all i like. i can work to change the world. i can try to conceptualize the nature of the universe and infinity and come up with reasons why i think dark matter theory is bunk. i can contemplate camus and the very nature of why i exist. i can do whatever i like – but life is short.

i need to laugh more. someone walked into the room and made me laugh more than i had in years. it felt good. i started thinking about the conflict between my desire to understand the nature of the universe in all it’s vast and mysterious glory and the nature of human experience and it’s tiny, breathless moments.

i am trying to think less about obscure quantum theory and complex economic relationships affecting our culture. i am trying to use this shot at life to laugh and love. to cry and feel pain. to be deeply hurt and to forgive all of it. to let people make me laugh until everything around me stops. to let someone take my breath away with how they smell and feel when they kiss me. to enjoy sunshine and rain and freezing cold days. look at this planet. how is it that i am here – able to experience all of this? this is the nature of life. this is what we have that makes us human.

there is tragedy in forgetting what it is to be human.

i will run down city streets, just to feel the wind and my muscles working to move that way, heart pounding – exhilarated. i will jump on things and dance for no reason. i meet new people and look for all the wonderful things they have to share – what can they tell me about this thing we call life? i go to clubs and listen to really loud music because it affects every molecule in my body. i wish more people would turn off the tv and pay attention to what it is to breathe and walk and be alive.

getting out there, in the weather, in the street – there is something about it that makes you slow down and appreciate life. i have lived, for the last three years, without a car. i moved downtown, i walk six blocks to work each day (no matter the weather – ice, below zero, 100 degrees . . .) i use public transportation. i see more and feel healthier. it is amazing the effect this has had on my well-being – rather unexpected. it began as a commitment to a sustainable lifestyle and is becoming a way of life that feels great – i am not sure that i will ever own another car.

i have learned that pain is a powerful thing that i feared for too long. have you read much kahlil gibran? he talks about how pain and love are linked and to experience one expands your capacity for the other. five years ago i decided that i was going to live my life and be happy. that i am who i am and as long as my actions are guided by love and empathy and caring – i could not go wrong. and if i did go wrong someone would tell me. i screw up. i hurt people. i have lied to myself – currently i am recovering from three years of truly believing that i wanted to live a certain way only to realize that it was not aligned with the things that make me happy.

i have committed to being me. it is hard. i open myself up to criticism and rejection. there have been painful moments beyond anything i could imagine. but the opposite is true too. my capacity to love and accept others is greatly expanded. there are so many people who welcome me into their lives. there might be things i do not share with everyone – but everything you see is real. there is something powerful in this and i feel the changes in my life. this is the stuff of life changing – world changing.

it will all be over before i know it and i want to go out laughing.

by the way, my name is jenn hileman and i live in Bloomington, Indiana – it’s nice to meet you.